‪I hate to even think how I almost broke down those walls, what was I thinking.

I have a good peaceful 2–3 days that almost knock my head with good sense and then the sudden drowning in a pit of guilt and emotional turmoil on the 4th. That’s what my life is on a daily. Realising that whilst I have a fear of God despite leading a horrendously sinful life, I know just what exactly went wrong and I know the biggest fear I’ve always had.

Alone.

Started my life thrown around, given one good decade of a somewhat functional family, lose it, relationships, one after another. No really it’s one after another, a constant need for someone to be there to fill a void. Losing friends, untimely devotion for every single one of those relationships, desperate enough to simply make ONE just one, stay. Jumping from houses to houses without any sense of belonging anywhere. Losing, her. They’ll never know how empty, cold, dark and heavy my soul-my life is, to walk in my shoe. The lace has come undone, I knew what I needed to do.

Ever slept in a really dark room, pitch black with barely any source of light visible? Like being in a box, coffin even; That truly puts things into perspective. I hate and I fear being alone, ending up all alone. I’ve felt it, I feel it every day, the cold icicle piercing through my skin. The darkness before bed, grabbing the arms of nobody, hyperventilating because the mind gets too far I don’t know what I’m looking at anymore. A “sense of void”, no-

I am, a void. I disappeared into the void. A black nothingness, an empty space. A nothing.

They can’t hurt me, they can’t hurt a nothing.

can they